Ill Film Night: Pick The Flick Contest #1

Distracted Easily? Impatient? A Huge Deuchcock? (skip this section)

That's right, I'm back. Vincenzo Valentine, aka the great Vinny V,  once again lowers my standards and returns to the cesspool of talent called Illiterate. For what reason do I grace this puke bowl of regurgitated schlock and derivative drivel with my presence? Why would I once again waste my valuable time interacting with a bunch of circus freak creative hacks like you? Go f*$# yourselves, that's why.

For those of you who know me from my days running the Illiterate Caption Contest-- you disgust me like a festering puss bubble, and I'd like nothing more than for my four year old son Little Anthony to pop each of your worthless heads like he does my back zits every night before he goes to bed. To anyone not familiar with me, because I'm obviously entirely TOO BIG for the likes of you, do something with your useless life, like shutting up and paying attention.

 Quitting Illiterate was the best thing I ever did. Instead of responding to your imbecilic comments each week, I spent the last four months teaching my son how much contemporary art hates him and how the only way to defeat it is to beat that ungrateful whore into submission. Had everything gone as planned, I'd have raised the next generation's Damien Hirst, and retired a rich man. Unfortunately, Illiterate's Director/Lead Artard calls me last week literally begging me to come back. Apparently they are running regular film nights and that schmendrick is too thick headed to pick a movie you mongoloids can actually understand. Of course I told that two bit jerkoff what he could do with his gallery and film night. After my previous dealings with this half tilt organization of morons I'd have sooner spent an afternoon appreciating the fine scent of oven gas with Sylvia Plathe than return to this truly suffocating gig. But Vinny V is a man capable of feeling and generosity, and listening to the pathetic sobbing pleas of Illiterate's head sac of emasculated flesh, I decided once again to help you aspiring nothings.

(Hold on ADD brains, READ THESE INSTRUCTIONS!)

Each month on the last Thursday of the month, Illiterate will project a theme related film on the big screen at their gallery for FREE, and you goobers get a chance to pick which movie gets shown. There will be three films to choose from: one brilliant example of cinema chosen by yours truly, Vinny V, another, most likely some independent yawnfest picked by your snivelling Director, and one open slot for all you wise guy film geeks to submit your own theme related title by posting it as a comment on my blogpost. People on the website can vote on which film will be shown at the gallery by reposting the title of the movie they want shown as a comment. If your film is chosen- which it won’t because artists come to consensus as often as they pay rent- they’ll show it at the gallery and you’ll win an Illiterate T-shirt, which along with your art degree can serve as another empty symbol of your own smug self satisfaction.

However, I'm not just going to let you throw out ideas with no sense of responsibility for your opinions. If by some miracle of miracles your movie is chosen, you better show up to the screening with the movie in hand. If the film is picked and you don't show up, your film won’t get screened, no T-shirt for you, and I will personally share your email address with every internet scam artist I know with the following message as the headline: Give this turds computer crabs forever x .



April 29th's Theme: MARIJUANA

Dope is the theme for this month, appropriate, since the lunchboxes behind Illiterate are from Colorado, one of the few states intelligent enough to allow its card carrying citizens to self prescribe their own dosage of “medicine”.  You know, if my doctor one day told me I could go ahead and tell the pharmacist to just give me however much Vicadin I wanted, I'd overdose quicker than Dash Snow on a Friday night.  Also April is the month when activist drug addicts like yourselves publicly display their collective stupidity by turning a police code into a holiday. I'm glad I don't live in Colorado where I'd have to witness you inhale your own hazy rhetoric between bong rips. By the way, if any of this offends you, chilllll out mannnnn, and finish smoking your prescription of Double Blueberry Pussy Kush, I promise you’ll forget everything.

1)Vinny's Flick: Reefer Madness

You know what happens when you smoke the marihuana? You turn into a Jazz playing, murdering rapist that's what! Now watch this informitive 1936 masterpiece and get some good old fashioned fear slapped into you.

2)Director's Flick: Reefer Madness

Woody Harrelson narrates this 1999 Canadian marijuana documentary about the U.S. government's tumultuos historical relationship with this demonized substance.

Note: it's pro pot

3)User Flick: ???

PICK THE FLICK BY SUBMITTING AND VOTING BELOW